


Alone

by SentientMango



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, Gen, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Platonic LAMP - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Sad Morality | Patton Sanders, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SentientMango/pseuds/SentientMango
Summary: Patton is fine. Sure he feels like he’s constantly tired and is in constant emotional turmoil, but it’s nothing he can’t handle.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2114595
Comments: 13
Kudos: 98
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt taken from my bad things happen bingo card: Oh oh oh ohhh "don't let them see me cry" is so much of a perfectly Patton prompt don't you think?

He was fine.

That’s what Patton told himself as he curled his knees in on himself inside a stall of a bathroom in his university. That’s what he told himself as he sobbed into his sweater sleeve.

He was absolutely fine.

His phone buzzed. Class was going to start soon. He shouldn’t skip. Logan was in that class. Logan would come looking, Logan would be worried.

Logan, who was juggling too many classes at once. Logan, who already had too much on their plate. Logan, who had a mental breakdown yesterday over an exam.

Patton couldn’t do that to them.

He was fine. 

Patton stood up and cleaned himself up before walking out of the stall. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen. Patton sighed, and grabbed a paper towel. He dampened it with cool water and pressed it against his eyes. They wouldn’t look so bad anymore.

Patton collected himself before walking out of the bathroom to head to class. 

He was _fine_.

Patton arrived in class just as the professor stood up from their desk. Patton slid into his seat next to Logan and smiled as convincingly as possible. They frowned slightly, but didn’t say anything, as the professor had started the lesson.

Patton tried to focus on the lesson, he really did! But he felt bad. Really bad. He couldn’t focus, and his skin was crawling. Everything hurt. His brain was screaming. 

There was a tap on Patton’s shoulder. He glanced up, pushing away the tears that wanted to stream down his cheeks. That wanted to feel. He didn’t want to feel. 

He was fine.

He glanced up and Logan was standing behind him, backpack in hand. Standing? Was class over already?

Logan answered his silent question by saying cautiously, “Are you feeling alright Patton? Class has been over for a few minutes and you are just staring.” They gestured to Patton’s notebook. “You didn’t take any notes either.”

Patton nodded, and he stood up quickly shoving his notebook into his bag, “I’m fine Logan! Sorry I must have zoned out!”

Logan frowned, “You were zoned out for an hour and fifteen minutes?”

Patton laughed, “You make it sound so bad!” He swung his backpack over his shoulder as he said, “I just didn’t get a whole ton of sleep last night, I had a lot of homework.”

Logan nodded slowly, “Alright well I’ll text you my notes.” They paused, “You would tell me if something was wrong right?”

Patton smiled, “Absolutely. Nothing is wrong Logan!” Patton said as he lied through his teeth. He didn’t like lying, but it was for Logan’s own good.

Logan nodded, “Of course, I’m sorry,” they said, and Patton felt his heart squeeze with guilt. “Are you doing anything for lunch today?” Logan asked, “I was planning on eating with Virgil, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you joined us.”

Patton shook his head, “Sorry L! I have plans with Roman, but we should do something later this week!”

“I would like that.” Logan said gently, as they scanned Patton’s face one last time searching for something, but Patton wasn’t sure what. Logan sighed and shook their head, “Alright well I should go, have fun with Roman.”

“I will!” Patton said, “Say hi to Virge for me!”

Logan waved as they left and Patton’s smile slipped. He turned around and started walking back towards his room. It was only twelve, so he still had an hour before Roman’s class even ended, plenty of time to get some work done. He was always so behind on his work. 

When he got to his room Patton sat down at his desk, but he couldn’t focus, his brain felt fuzzy. Patton began to fidget, his room felt too empty but too crowded at the same time. It was too quiet; he could hear too many of his own thoughts. Patton glanced down at his phone, maybe music would help him concentrate?

It was already twelve forty five. 

The lump in Patton’s throat choked him as he bit back tears. He was so stupid, he couldn’t even handle concentrating for an hour, he wasn’t cut out for any of this. He shouldn’t have made it into college, he was surrounded by people that were more talented, more intelligent, more interesting than him. What was he compared to them? 

Patton felt something wet hit his arm, he glanced down and saw he had started crying. His mostly blank paper which he had supposed to have done his homework on was damp as little dots from where Patton’s tears had landed had soaked into it. Patton pushed away the paper and wiped at his eye, but he didn’t bother as they kept falling. 

_ ‘You can’t even cry right.’ _ Patton thought, as he pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged his stomach.  _ ‘You got your homework all wet and you can’t even stop crying. You're a failure.’  _

Patton heard a knock at his door.

“Patton!” Roman sang through the door. “Are you ready for our marvelous lunch?”

Oh. He’d completely forgotten about Roman. There was no way he could go out there, Roman would ask questions, and Patton could figure this out by himself. Patton wiped his eyes quickly, and took a couple of deep breaths to try and make his voice sound a little less choked up before he called through the door.

“Roman? Oh gee I'm sorry kiddo I should have texted you, I can’t today. I’m really not feeling very well.” Not a complete lie, he wasn’t feeling well, but also not the complete truth.

“Oh Patton that sucks,” Roman said. “Logan said you had been a bit off during class today, they were worried you might be... nevermind it doesn’t matter. I guess being sick would make you a bit spacey.” Roman paused and Patton halfheartedly hoped he’d left. “Well,” Roman said after a minute. “Just because you're sick doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together! I’ll get you some soup and we can-”

“No!” Patton said, and immediately realized how forceful he’d said it. “I mean, that’s not a great idea. I don’t want you to get sick. Anyway, I’m fine, I just need to get some rest.”

“Patton,” Roman said gently. “I-”

“No,” Patton said. He could feel the lump in his throat growing again. “You have your audition coming up. You really shouldn’t risk getting sick just because of me, I can take care of myself.”

Patton heard Roman sigh. “Okay… if that’s what you want, I’ll get out of your hair. But I’m still going to get you that soup, and we’re getting lunch as soon as you’re feeling better!”

Patton laughed weakly, “Deal.”

“Alright, feel better soon Pat.”

“I’ll try.” Patton said, as he heard Roman begin to walk away. The empty feeling began to creep back into his chest as he was left alone again. Patton truly did feel horrible, he’d been lying to the people he cared most about and was doing nothing but pitifully crying.

Now he was alone. Roman had been right, right? This was what he wanted. To be alone? Yeah… Patton curled up in bed and tried to ignore the growing emptiness in his chest. Yeah of course that was what he wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me over on tumblr @thesentientmango


End file.
